Friday, September 9, 2011

Johnny O'Bloggin's Funny Ass Friday

A burglar breaks into a house he's been casing for a few weeks. He creeps straight to the Master Bedroom which contains a brand new flat screen T.V. After disconnecting everything, he picks up the television and heads down the hallway.

All of the sudden he hears, "Jesus is watching". He stops, looks around, and sees nothing. He continues down the hallway, and again hears, "Jesus is watching". The burglar freezes and lowers the T.V. He can't see any movement and doesn't hear anything. So he continues down the hall. After a step or two he hears, "Jesus is watching". He sees a light switch on the wall and flips it on. All he sees is a parrot in the corner of the Livingroom.

The burglar asks the parrot, "Was that you?". "Yes", the parrot replied. The burglar sits on the arm of a couch, breathing a sigh of relief. "You scared the shit out of me.", says the man. "Sorry.", says the parrot. "So, what's your name little guy?", asks the burglar. "Killer.", says the parrot. "What kind of an asshole would name a parrot Killer?", asks the burglar. "The same asshole that named his Rottweiler Jesus.", says the parrot.


  1. That must be a Southern joke. You forgot the punchline.

    The punchline is when the burglar hears a lound bang and his guts fly out across the room as a snack for the dog.

    Then the kids come in and say "dad nice expansion on the hollow point, can I shoot the next one."

    Before you say anything about us Southerners bare in mind that you never heard anyone say that they were retiring to the North... just sayin.

  2. New Joke:

    YEAR 2013 One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

    The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

    The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

    The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama"

    The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

    The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

    The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

  3. H-Nox - that's a keeper. Microdot is going to come along and whine about it being old - yeah - we used it for Clinton, and Carter. It's even funnier with Obama.


    How about this one?

    President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

    Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

    Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack H. Obama, president of the United States of America."

    Cashier: "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

    Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

    Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

    Obama: "I am urging you to please cash this check."

    Cashier: "Look, sir, here's what we can do: one day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that you are really the President of the United States?"

    Obama stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing."

    Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"