Friday, November 11, 2011

Johnny O'Bloggin's Funny Ass Friday

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Yeah - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".


  1. Cowboy: “Give me three packets of condoms, please”

    Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that sir”

    Cowboy: “Nah... she ain’t that ugly”

  2. A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

    The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

    "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

    "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

    The pastor asked him what happened.

    "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

    But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shame facedly.

    "You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

    "We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

    "We're not welcome at HOME DEPOT anymore, either."

  3. H/Nox- LOLOLOLOLOL, another classic.

  4. After all the guests had left their 75th wedding anniversary, an old couple kissed each other good night, got in bed, and both passed away in their sleep.

    Upon arriving at Heaven, they were greeted by St. Peter, who welcomed them and gave them a grand tour. He showed them all the wonderful things in Heaven. For him there was unlimited golfing, hunting, fishing. For her, shopping and flowers, unlimited soap operas. For them both, unlimited buffets, with no health consequences. He could eat all the bacon he wanted, she could eat all the chocolate. It was, well, Heaven.

    St. Peter then showed them to their quarters, a beautiful mansion with an unbelievable view, with servants to attend to their every need. He said that Heaven was blessed to have them, that their long marriage was an example of God's true love.

    St. Peter turned around and was shocked to see the man beating the crap out of the woman. He was unable to pull the man off of her, and had to summon help. Once he had the man under control, he asked him what the Hell happened, to which the man said,

    "If it hadn't been for this old bitch and her bran muffins, I'da been here fifty years ago!"

  5. A man plops down in his seat on an airplane. He turns to the man next to him and they exchange greetings. Then the first man says "I just embarrassed myself at the ticket counter."

    The other man says - "Really? How?"

    The first man responds "I was running late today. I arrived at the ticket counter only to be greeted by a beautiful ticket agent with huge breasts. I wanted to fly to Pittsburgh, but I scrambled my words and said 'Two Pickets to Tittsburg' instead and everyone heard me. I was very embarrassed."

    The man next to him said, "Don't worry about it, that happens to everybody. Why this very morning I looked across the breakfast table at my wife and scrambled my words. I was going to ask her to pass me the salt, but I said 'You rotten bitch you ruined my life.'"

    I think you have to be married to get that one.

  6. TGP- Brilliant! laughed my ass off.

    CS- If a single person doesn't laugh at that one. It's because they have no sense of humor. I loved it.