Saturday, November 19, 2011

Johnny O'Bloggin's Funny Ass Friday

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"


  1. One day a Bob is going golfing and a stranger comes up to him and asks if he can play with him.

    The man says OK and they start playing. After about three holes Bob asks the stranger what he does for a living.

    "I’m a hit man," the man replies.

    The man laughs and says, "That’s funny, what do you really do?"

    The man says, "I’m really a hit man, look in my golf bag."

    The man goes and looks in the golf bag and in it there is a sniper rifle with a scope on it.

    "Hey do you mind if I use this scope to see my house?"

    The hit man tells him not at all, so the guy uses the scope and zooms in his bedroom window. He sees his wife naked. Then his neighbor comes up, and he is naked too.

    The man gets really mad and says, "How much does it cost to do a hit?"

    The hit man says a thousand dollars a shot.

    "Then I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis because he is sticking it in my wife and shoot my wife in the mouth because she is always yapping."

    The hit man takes the sniper rifle and sits there aiming for about fifteen minutes.

    The man says, "Hey man, hurry up!"

    "Hold on a second," the sniper says, "I’m trying to save you a thousand bucks."

  2. I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday... minding my own business, waiting for it to turn green... when a carload of young loud Muslims shouting anti-American slogans stopped next to me.

    The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me. Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

    For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

    So, today... bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver..

  3. Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist.

    The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?

    Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'

    The interview ended.

    True story.

  4. Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah (I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?)


    1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
    cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

    2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

    3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
    and doesn't lie to you.

    4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
    and likes to be with you.

    5. It's very, very important that these four women
    do not know each other.

  5. On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

    The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

    The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of

    The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

    Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

    "Is it wine?" she guessed.

    "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and
    asked, " Champagne ?"

    "No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

  6. Everyone- Good stuff. Fuck it, let's keep the thread going, why wait 'til next week?

  7. Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

    Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

    "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

    "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

  8. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
    The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
    "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
    The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
    Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
    "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

  9. A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would walk home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked 'can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

    The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

    The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?'

    'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Lets take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

    The little old lady looked over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... 'How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull my skirt, and have your way with me?'

    The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

    The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

  10. President Obama was interviewing for new accountants to handle the books for his Obamacare scheme. Barack asked the first applicant, "What does one plus one equal?" The accountant was escorted out of the White House after answering, "Two." Barack then asked the next applicant, "What does one plus one equal?" That one answered, "What do you want it to equal?" Obama promptly replied, "You've got the job."

  11. A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

    After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

    “Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.”;

    “That's right,” said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.

    “Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”;

    “Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”;

    “Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”

  12. A new priest, born and raised in Newfoundland, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

    The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

    The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

    The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

    The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next?"