Friday, November 25, 2011

Johnny O'Bloggin's Funny Ass Friday

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday.................................................................

7 comments:

  1. Johnny,
    Yes, I did. The family, friends, food, good cheer and weather was great. I hope yours was just as good.

    ReplyDelete
  2. An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

    ReplyDelete
  3. An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

    When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

    The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

    "There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

    The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

    "And what is that?" asked the priest.

    "Should I tell her the war is over?"

    ReplyDelete
  4. Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nighstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

    The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."

    Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know."

    The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.

    The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.

    The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

    The Marine says,"Just making your wishes come true."

    The passenger says, "Huh?"

    The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

    ReplyDelete
  5. A young man was home for his ten day leave from Marine Corps boot camp, and had gone parking with his girlfriend. They were in the backseat naked when a State Trooper walked up to the car and hollered "I'm next!"

    The young Marine jumped out of the car, pulling on his trousers, and attempting to shield his girlfriend from the trooper as she tried to cover herself.

    The trooper, recognizing the young man's uniform, asked "Are you a Marine?"

    The young man said he was, and the trooper said "I thought you Marines weren't scared of anything. Then why are you so nervous?"

    To which the young man replied, "Well, sir, I've never fucked a State Trooper before."

    ReplyDelete
  6. Everyone- Wonderful jokes
    H/Nox- I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, glad to hear you did too.

    ReplyDelete
  7. A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
    She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
    The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
    Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
    As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

    ReplyDelete