Friday, January 6, 2012

Johnny O'Bloggin's Funny Ass Friday..................

REMEMBER.............Their is a resolution in place.


 

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time. "She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

8 comments:

  1. A guy comes home after a long week at work looking forward to the weekend and some fishing. His wife greets him with news that her sister is coming to visit along with her husband. Our guy says "I won't be here tomorrow honey I'm going fishing."

    The wife replies "Well you will have to take our brother-in-law along with you then while my sister and I visit."

    "Sweetheart, I hate that guy. He's as dumb as a post!"

    The sister and her husband arrive and stay the night. The following morning our guy and the brother-in-law get up early, hop in the truck, and head off to the lake. After putting the boat in the water, our guy tells the brother-in-law to recover a tackle box and net from the truck and put them in the boat.

    The brother-in-law notes that there are no fishing poles in the boat but doesn't want to appear foolish so he doesn't say anything. Our guy maneuvers the boat to a likely spot on the lake, opens the tackle box, removes a stick of dynamite, lights it, and tosses it in the water. After a few seconds a geyser of water shoots up and a half dozen fish float to the top of the water.

    As our guy moves about recovering the fish with the net, the brother-in-law goes ballistic yelling and screaming about it being illegal, dangerous, anti-environment, bla, bla, bla . . .

    Our guy calmly opens the tackle box, removes another stick of dynamite, lights the fuse, and tosses it into the brother-in-law's lap.

    "Are you going to talk? or fish?"

    ReplyDelete
  2. A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

    Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

    The husband in a calm voice said, "honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day".

    His wife said crying, "yes I remember that jewelry store".

    He said, "well I'm in the bar next to it."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

    The 1st kind of sex is called: "Smurf Sex", this kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

    The 2nd kind of sex is called: "Kitchen Sex", this is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex
    anywhere, even in the kitchen.

    The 3rd kind of sex is called: "Bedroom Sex", this is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

    The 4th kind of sex is called: "Hallway Sex", this is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'Screw you.'

    The 5th kind of sex is called: "Religious Sex", this means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

    The 6th kind is called "Courtroom Sex", this is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

    And Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: "Social Security Sex", you get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Three guys are about to tee off at their usual Saturday morning T-time when a guy walks up and asks to join them, they say sure and off they go. The new guy is right handed and shoots 1 under for the round, as they are leaving the 3 guys say to him "We are playing next Saturday, same time, want to join us?" The fellow says sure but he might be a little late and they shouldn't wait for him.

    The next week he shows up on time and shoots 1 under playing left handed. The 3 ask him to join again next week and he again says sure but don't wait for him if he is late.

    The next week he shows up again and shoots even par right handed. After the round the 3 guys say to him...

    "How do you decide whether you're going to play left handed or right handed?"

    He answers - "Simple when I wake up in the morning I look at my wife.....if she is sleeping on her right side, I play right handed, ... if she is sleeping on her left side I play left handed."

    One of the 3 pipes up - "what do you do if she is sleeping on her back?" ... to which he answers....

    "That's when I'm a little bit late."

    ReplyDelete
  5. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," sys Paddy.

    "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
    yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

    "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wife: "What are you doing?"
    Husband : Nothing.
    Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
    certificate for an hour."
    Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

    ReplyDelete
  7. H/Nox & CS- Good stuff................

    ReplyDelete
  8. As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

    The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

    Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

    At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

    All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

    When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

    "Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Wisconsin, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

    ReplyDelete