Saturday, January 21, 2012

Johnny O'Bloggin's Funny Ass Friday..................

Sorry for the late post everyone, not to mention the lack of attention to my blog and to everyone elses. It's been a hectic week. I would like to personally thank everyone who visited the guestbook page for Jonathan Metzger. I'm sure the condolences will help the family cope. Thank you so much. Rest in Peace Jon.


  1. I remember taking my Biology exam Freshman year of High School. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO

    And so began my life of political incorrectness.

  2. "Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.

    "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on
    my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

    Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
    Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by
    that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth,
    little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the

    "You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox.
    The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard
    a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my
    Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy
    whispered to all us kids!

    "My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To
    the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he
    stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the
    coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old
    hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind
    Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and
    stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

    "Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this

  3. I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the
    Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has
    been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling.

    The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

    His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

  4. The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

    Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

    The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

    Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

    She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

    Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."

  5. A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
    Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

    The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

    The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

    I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

    So I said that Osama Bin Laden dressed and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!

    And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
    truck hit us.

  6. True story.

    Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, for fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

    The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

    The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

    In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

    'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

    Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

    'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

    The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

  7. What is long and hard that a Polish girl gets on her wedding night?

    Her new last name.

  8. An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

    The old man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the old man just groaned.

    The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

    The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy what’s your name?”

    “Mud_PILE,” the old man moaned.

    “Where ya from, Mud_PILE?” asked the police officer.

    With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Mud_PILE replied, “The balcony…”

  9. At the risk of censorship for not being funny, did someone push him, or did he fall while screaming, "I'm right and you're adolescent!" at the actor on screen portraying a conservative?

  10. An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

    She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

    The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

    The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

    The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

    The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

    The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

    The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

    The woman gives him her license.

    The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

    The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

    "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

  11. What does an infertal bear and the World Series have in common?

    No Cubs! If you guys were White Sox fans, you'd laugh.

  12. Johnny,

    I get it. I was never a fan of baseball, but the Cubs might make it one day - look at Boston.

  13. "President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. "

    —Jay Leno