Saturday, January 28, 2012

Johnny O'Bloggin's Funny Ass Friday ........................

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power'.


  1. A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

    Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

    One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

    The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

    The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

    The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear."

    The Admiral threw him out also.

    The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate,extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

    "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."

    The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine.
    "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

    The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one xxxxkin' ear."

  2. Sunday Funday: “Stuff Liberals Say”

  3. Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.' The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.' The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.' Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped. The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.

  4. A Marine PFC returned after a week of being UA, and reported to the First Sergeant. The First Sergeant said, "You're a chronic F%^&-up, I'm gonna bust your ass."

    The PFC replied, "I got a good excuse this time."

    The First Sergeant says, "Bullshit, but let's hear it."

    The PFC Says, "I got in a car wreck and cut off my dick."

    The First Sergeant says, again, "Bullshit."

    The PFC says, "I knew you wouldn't believe me, so I brought it with me." He fishes around in his pockets and says, "Here."

    The First Sergeant says, "That's a cigar butt."

    The PFC fishes in a different pocket, and again presents a cigar butt.

    He digs around in a third pocket, presents a third cigar butt, and the First Sergeant says, "That's another cigar butt. I knew you were full of shit."

    The PFC scratches his head and says, "Shit, I hope I didn't smoke it."

  5. A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?

    The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

    The sailor says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

  6. Johnny,

    LMAO -

    Having passed the enlistment physical, Joe was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

    "My father said it'd be a good idea, Sir."

    "Oh? And what does your father do?"

    "He's in the Army, Sir."

  7. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
    "Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

    So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

    She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
    In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

    "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

  8. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
    When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long

  9. A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. As she steps into the room, she whispers, 'What's the matter, Rick?' Why are you down here at this time of night?'

    The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 18. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. Linda is touched to tears that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily... 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today'. '

  10. Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!