Saturday, February 4, 2012

I'll be back in a week.


  1. Be Safe -


    Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

    Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

    At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

    They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.

    They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

    So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.

    The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

    "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

    "I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

  2. The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

    The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

    She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

  3. The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.

    He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a
    frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless
    Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing
    all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

    As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pick-up truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the
    back seat.

    As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed... "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not

    As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

    "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
    Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

    "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't
    know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we
    need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

  4. Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

    "Walter," responds the little boy.

    "And what is your question, Walter?"

    "I have four questions:

    First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

    Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's
    actually gotten worse?

    Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

    Fourth, Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but
    America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

    Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

    Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

    "Steve," he responds.

    "And what is your question, Steve?"

    Actually, I have two questions.
    First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

    Second, What happened to Walter?"