Saturday, February 11, 2012

Johnny O'Bloggin's Funny Ass Friday.........

While walking down the street one day a corrupt politician was hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
 "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
 "No problem, just let me in," says the politician. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
 "Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
 And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
 The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
 They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
 They are all having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
 The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...
 So, 24 hours passed with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
 "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
 The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
 So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
 Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
 The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
 "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
 The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, today, you voted".

10 comments:

  1. An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

    Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


    Then the priest comes in.

    "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."


    The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side”.

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  2. An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent’s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some of his blood type in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally so, the call went out to all the states.

    Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

    A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

    To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".

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  3. The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

    "Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

    "Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

    "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

    Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

    "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

    "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

    Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

    "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

    Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

    Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

    "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

    "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

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  4. A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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  5. The US Mint is considering minting a new coin in recognition of all of Obama's accomplishments as President --

    It will be slick on both sides, have no value, and will be called a slug.

    ReplyDelete
  6. A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

    Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

    Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

    "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

    "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

    "It just worked for me," he replied.

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  7. Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
    Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
    When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
    His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
    "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
    A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
    "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

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  8. Seamus's wife Mary was steaming mad about her husband's third night in a row out at the pub, and after calling the pub 17 times for him to come home, she became more determined to teach that man a lesson. Now Seamus always walked home from the pub, predictable as no matter how much of the drink he had, he always knew the way home, and she knew the path well. She had gone out earlier that day and bought a mask that resembled the devil, and was bent on scaring him straight. Before the time he normally came home, she hid in the bushes, and slipped on her mask and waited in silence for Seamus to appear.

    Off in the distance she could hear Seamus coming. He was whistling, and singing to himself, and she braced herself. When Seamus came close to her, she sprouted out of the bushes, and cut him off in his path and said.

    "I am the devil, you should be home with yer wife."

    He looked at her, made an ewwwe yuck, expression, and kept on going, resuming his singing and whistling.

    Stomping mad, Mary went home, and crawled into bed, and gave Seamus a shake. "How was yer night at the pub? Anything strange happen?"

    Seamus rolled over and casually said. "As a matter of fact there was something strange that happened, I met me mudder-in-law on the path home."

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  9. A special thanks thrown out to H-Nox for the opening joke.....Brilliant, along with all the others.

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  10. A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

    ReplyDelete