A study of love, hate, pain, and joy.
A woman once told me she wouldn't drink water. Fish fuck in it. Your picture proves her point.
Well keeping up with the keyboard is going to be a challenge. Goofy here didn't get the point until I read TGP's comment. Egads. I gotta' get out more often.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!""I see your eyes are working" replies the duck."And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?""Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, its just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?""I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.This continues every day for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender says to him; "You're with the circus, aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!""Sounds marvelous," says the circus ringleader, "get him to give me a call."So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!""Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck inquires. "That's right." replies the bartender."The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle and all the cages?" asks the duck. "Exactly!" says the bartender.The duck looks confused. "What the f**k do they want with a Tile Setter?"
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello?'"Mrs. Adams, please.' ask the voice."Speaking.' says Mrs. Adams."Mrs. Adams, this is Dr. Jones at Saint Luke's Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Adams arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.""What do you mean?" Mrs. Adams asks nervously.Dr. Jones says, "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV, and we can't tell which is which."Mrs. Adams questions, "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?""Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive test one time," says Dr. Jones."Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asks Mrs. Adams.Dr. Jones informs her, "The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town, If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman, liking the looks of the fellow, notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No, Ma'am," he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? 'What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well," he says half blushing, "it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps the watch again and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast!"
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.It has all the ice cold water you need.Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
TGP- You got that right.How do you make Mrs. Al laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. LOLOLOLOLOLO. You're the best MrsAl.CS- Damnit! You figured me out. :)
Well, Obama recently signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in the Military. No more don't ask don't tell.But what has he really done, is to cause more confusion in the ranks.Just for a moment, imagine yourself in a combat situation.The enemy is firing at you, advancing on your position,The guy next to you is openly gay.Suddenly, someone yells out "Shoot the cocksucker!"Now do you see the confusion?
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light?"He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me, I'm collecting disability!!!"