Saturday, February 25, 2012

Johnny O'Bloggin's Funny Ass Friday.........

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."

8 comments:

  1. A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

    One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
    As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side ... You know what?'

    'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

    'I think you're bad luck... get the hell away from me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

    "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

    "Morris Feinberg," he replied.

    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

    "For about 60 years."

    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

    "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

    "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

    "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

    "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

    "Like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."

    ReplyDelete
  3. An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

    The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

    ReplyDelete
  4. A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

    The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

    The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

    The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

    The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit, what happened next?!"

    ReplyDelete
  5. A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

    Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?

    Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

    The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

    The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

    The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

    The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

    The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

    ReplyDelete
  6. The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that
    much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
    In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

    After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

    "Yes?" said the Instructor.

    "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

    Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:
    Let's say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood...and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

    What do you think you should do …

    Raise the ceilings or pump out the shit?

    Your choice is coming Nov. 2012

    ReplyDelete
  8. The Baptist & The Kentucky Redneck...

    A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a Redneck on a flight to Kentucky . After the plane took off, the Redneck asked for a
    whiskey and ice, which was brought and placed before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the
    preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

    The Redneck then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
    "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

    ReplyDelete