Friday, March 2, 2012

Johnny O'Bloggin's Funny Ass Friday................

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special offer for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint my house."


  1. Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

    Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

    Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

    "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

    "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for meto open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

    "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her".

  2. The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

    But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

    But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard ."

  3. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

    When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

    On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States.

    If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.

  4. Mud_PILE and his new bride get to their bridal suite on the wedding night. The bride undresses and slips into bed. Mud_PILE takes a bit longer getting undressed. As he takes off his shoes and socks the bride recoils and says "what's wrong with your toes?"

    "I had tolio when I was a kid" says Mud_PILE

    "Tolio? Don't you mean Polio?" asks the bride

    "No - Tolio. That's what it does to your toes"

    Then Mud_PILE takes off his trousers. "What's wrong with your knees??" exclaims the bride.

    "I had kneasles when I was a kid"

    "Kneasles? You mean Measles don't you?"

    "No" said Mud_PILE. "I mean Kneasles - that's what it does to your knees"

    Mud_PILE 's finally almost undressed and whips off his underpants.

    The bride starts laughing "Ha, ha!! Don't tell me - you had small cox!!!"

  5. A Democrat walks into a doctor's office with a frog sitting on his head.
    The frog looks at the doctor and says, "Hey doc , can you get this wart off my ass?"

  6. Ten inches
    The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

    One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."