Sunday, October 27, 2013

The one that got away???? (My Life-Part IX)

 When I was eighteen years old when I met a girl that was going to be the love of my life. I don't know what it was, but she was the one. Her name was Theresa. She had long blond hair and a gorgeous smile. I met her at work. It took three months for me to work up the courage to ask her out on a date, but she quickly said yes. I figured I was in love. She was over at my apartment all the time. If we weren't there, we were at her house. Her parents loved me, and I loved them too. They were the parents I wished I had. On April 10 (Her birthday) 1998, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. By this time we had been together for four years and unfortunately her Father passed away. Maybe that's something that drew us closer together. By this time, I had lost everyone. My Mother died and my Father had,,,,,,well fuck him. I was able to be her rock.
 The wedding date was set for December 11th 1999. It was great. I was 23 years old and dancing with the love of my life. It was a wonderful night. But somehow things went south from there. In retrospect, maybe I married too soon. My maturity level may not have been there. Maybe I was never in love to begin with. But what did I know? It wasn't hostile, or fighting all the time. It just seemed like we were two buddys that fucked every once in awhile. She went out with her friends, and I went out with mine. One day I came home from work and she says to me' "We have to talk." You know that's never good. She proceeded to tell me that she loved me, but not in THAT WAY. I of course being all man told her, "Yeah you're right. I feel the same way and maybe it's best if we don't waste our time staying married."
 It was Summer of 2002 and I remember hugging each other. I then gave her a kiss on the cheek and left. As I walked to my car a cried uncontrollably. It was only the second time in my so-called manhood that I felt such heartache. I remember spending a lot of time with friends during my divorce. Of course everything was fine on the surface. I just shrugged everything off as whatever. I mean really, there's tons of fish in the sea?
But inside, it sucked. I was just rejected by the love(?) of my life. But my buddys took me out all the time and it was awesome(?).

And it starts
Sometime around midnight
Or at least that's when you lose yourself
For a minute or two

As you stand
Under the bar lights
And the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for a while
And the piano's this melancholy soundtrack to her smile
And that white dress she's wearing, you haven't seen her
For a while

But you know
That she's watching
She's laughing, she's turning
She's holding her tonic like a cross
The room suddenly spinning, she walks up and asks how you are
So you can smell her perfume
You can see her lying naked in your arms

And so there's a change
In your emotions
And all of these memories come rushing like feral waves to your mind
Of the curl of your bodies, like two perfect circles entwined
And you feel hopeless, and homeless, and lost in the haze of the wine

And she leaves
With someone you don't know
But she makes sure you saw her, she looks right at you and bolts
As she walks out the door
Your blood boiling, your stomach in ropes
And then your friends say "What is it? You look like you've seen a ghost."

And you walk
Under the streetlights
And you're too drunk to notice that everyone's staring at you
You don't care what you look like
The world is falling around you

You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her

You know that she'll break you in two

 After seeing her out with her new boyfriend, I was torn apart. I could say that it was a finality that I wasn't ready to deal with. But in the end, I think maybe I just wished she would change her mind. Or at the very least, grow old and lonely while I found someone else that would make me feel happy, or at least content. AND DID I EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Making believe,
That you still love me.
It's leaving me
Alone and so blue.
I'll always dream, but I'll never own you.
Making believe,
Is all I can do.
I can't hold you close,
Darling when you're not near me.
You're somebody's love,
You'll never be mine.
Making believe,
I'll spend my lifetime
Loving you
And making believe.

This concludes My Life................
But stay tuned. I still have (Her Life) and (Our Life) to get to..


  1. JOB It's been a while. I was tooling around a bit and came upon your blog again. Read several of the posts and I was impressed at how truthful and heartfelt they were. They say writing is good for the soul and you seem to be proof of that. I admire your candor and honesty. You appear to have had a number of ups and downs in your life but, that's par for the course. The biggest thing is how you deal with it all and you appear to have a pretty good grip on things. It always comes down to how one reacts to the good and bad that life throws at you. I hope things go better for you and your family. Keep up the battle.
    I have not been writing on the Paladin Blog lately but, I as I read some of the old posts I get a bit inspired to get back at it. I feel like I lost my touch a bit and was struggling to come up with (what I believed) some good posts. I think maybe I need to take your lead and get away from the political stuff and write some more personal commentary. I'll be checking back regularly to follow your stories. Good luck in the future.

    1. Hello Pal, it is great to see ya here. I've been following ya and knew you took a break. Something just clicked with me earlier this year and I decided to turn my blog into an autobiography. I'm hoping to have it completed at the end of the year so I can get back to other topics. I hope you enjoy the rest, and look forward to future correspondence.