Friday, December 19, 2014

I Will Let You Down......I Will Make You Hurt.............(Our Life-Part III)

 Christmas had drawn near, and I was accused of sexually abusing my child.. Actions that had destroyed some friend's lives had been thrown in my direction as if it were spitting gum on a sidewalk. It was early December '04, and My Princess was five months old. But I had not seen her in four weeks because  I was accused of sexual abuse, I had to forfeit the very little visitation that I had at this point. It tore me apart. It absolutely tore me apart. This event took me to places I had never been, and would never want anyone to go.

 The pain of having a child out there that you can not be part of is beyond words. It is something I had never experienced before. To love someone that you love more than yourself, but not being able to see her, not being able to hold her, not being able to bond...That is where we were at.

 At times I had no idea what to do. I fell into something that I believe went beyond depression. It was almost a comatosed state. The depression takes  ahold of you and transforms you into a zombie state. I got fired from my job, because I would stay up until four in the morning drinking whiskey just to numb the pain....In the end it didn't matter, because I had heartbreak to forget.

 By the first week of December, I was full blown depressed, suicidal, homicidal. Megan would leave for work, and I was left with my own thoughts, to my own devices......I would always think, what if I just ended myself? What if I just put the barrel in my mouth and pointed upwards towards the stem? I would sit at the table, drinking whiskey, smoking weed, and cleaning the .45. I stared at that firearm like it was an angel looking down upon me. I would hold that gun hearing my attorney's voice asking, "Have you ever touched your Daughter in an inappropriate way"?  The pain in my head and heart was almost unbearable. It seemed like Keira had become something I could never have.....................

 I remember thinking, what was better? Killing the Mother in a way that would deem me psychotic and release me from prison within a few years, or taking out her entire family, so that the craziness ended and she could live in peace. In the end. the abuse report was deemed unfounded. I was able to hold my Daughter once again. But the damage was done. The seed of hate was planted........

Sunday, November 16, 2014

The murderous mind.....with a loving heart......(Her Life- Part IV)

After the the issues with the Mother figure, things got ugly. I decided to just let my attorney take over. She suggested that I attend a parenting class. Honestly, I thought it was a good idea. At this point I knew the broad was crazy, I just didn't know the extent. So I researched parenting classes that focused on the psychological development of children. I figured that is what Keira would need the most.

I signed up for the Adlerian parenting courses. The class was held downtown. One day, about a week into the class, I received a phone call from Megan. I hit mute. She called again and I hit mute again. The phone rang again. I told the instructor that I had to take the call. I left the class and called Megan back. She was hysterical. She received a call from DCFS claiming that they received a call reporting sexual abuse on my Daughter. I raced home to find out that I had been accused of sexual assault.

I didn't know what to do or think at this point. Just being part of Keira's life had been a battle. But four months into it and I'm being investigated for the worst possible crime against a child. My very own child. All this CUNT had to do was make an accusation. I was astonished.

I contacted my attorney who advised me to forfeit my visitation until after the investigation was complete. HAHAHAHA. Forfeit my visitation. Does anyone really know what that means? It means walking away from a life that you created. Because some dirty cunt would rather have her Daughter's Father out of the picture, Because they are not together. I went 6 weeks without seeing my child. Without smelling her. Without caring for her. And all I was being told was that this whole thing was just a process. A process! LOLOLOLOL! The next chapter is going to explain how a somewhat normal man deals with this process.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

06-15-04..1:37 P.M..........(Her Life- Part III)

 I received the call shortly after break (9:00). I left work quickly in order to meet the Mother at the hospital. I had participated in Le Mas with the Mom and at this point was looking forward to the birth of my first child. Everything seemed to go smoothly except for the Mother's interference. But, She was a piece of shit and to this day still is. Everything was pushed to the side though. Come 1:37 on the afternoon of June 15th she was born. The most beautiful creature I had ever seen. I remember holding her shortly after her birth. She had big blue eyes, just like her Father. The feel of her little hand in mine. The look in her eyes as she gazed upon me. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and I helped create her. I helped bring her here. Nothing can fully describe that feeling when your FIRST in born.

 Never before had I experienced true love. Sure, I thought I had. I was married before. I was involved in serious relationships. But I never experienced true love before. When I was a little younger I always questioned, "How do you know when you really love some one?" It was probably just an excuse for a few failed relationships, including a marriage. But the moment I looked in my Daughter's eyes, I instantly knew what true, unconditional love was.

 I spent two days at the hospital with Renee (the mother). At this point I could care less about her. She was never more than the Mother of my child. But I still had respect for her and supported her. After all, she was the Mother of my child. I remember when she went home with Keira. I had spoken with Megan by the time everyone went home. To this day I remember helping Renee into the car after strapping Keira in. Renee's Mom was taking them home back to her house. And I went out with Megan to celebrate the birth of my child. How fucked up was that? But back in '04, and to this day, I saw nothing wrong with this. Renee knew where I stood. I never lied. And I was slowly falling for Megan. In fact, Keira being born made it easier to realize that I was falling in love with Megan. And it definitely made it easier to know that I never had those feelings for Renee.

 Even after the moment arrived that Keira arrived at her Grandmother's (where Renee was living) house, I was still there. I would go over there at night so that Renee could sleep. I would sleep in Keira's room next to her. When Keira got up crying, I would get up to change her, feed her, or just plain comfort her.

 One night I was sleeping next to Keira in her room. I heard the door open but didn't move. Suddenly, I felt someone rubbing my crotch. It was Renee, and she was asking if we could have sex. I told her NO. She asked, "Why not?". I explained to her that not only was I not interested in a sexual relationship with her anymore, but I was also dating another woman, and it was serious. I turned over in the guest bed as to ignore her. Out of nowhere I received a slap to my face. I jumped up asking, "What the fuck?". Renee chased me out of her house screaming at me. As I got into my car, I vividly remember her telling me that, "YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS KID AGAIN!!!!!!!!".

 I just left her house in an attempt to let cooler heads prevail. I had no idea how much worse things would get..................

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

No Strings Attached..........(Her Life-PartII)

 As of May '04, everything was going pretty good. I had been seeing Megan for about a month. All the doctor's appointments pointed to the baby being healthy. Everything was going great, at least until Lamaze started. As I told Renee, I would help with every aspect of the birth of our child. But she soon found out that I was seeing a woman on an exclusive basis. Needless to say, in retrospect, Renee was not happy about this.However, the next month went off without any major issues.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Inevitable becomes the abnormally possible....... (Our Life- Part II)

 After only a couple of weeks of dating Megan, I knew she was the woman for me. But I had a problem. There was a woman (?) out there who was pregnant with my child. And I am not the kind of person that was ready to be a weekend Dad who had a whole different family. So for the first time in a while I was going to do something different. I was going to be 100% honest with this woman. I asked her to accompany me to Dinner at the Chop House on Ontario, which she happily obliged.

 At this point in my life, I was 28 years old, but I have had a lifetime worth of experiences, and regret. I wasn't about to add this woman to my regret list. As much as it sucked, I had to be honest. So during our salad course I let it rip. I told Megan how I was going to be a Father. "What do you mean going to be?" she asked. I explained  in detail the situation. I even informed her how I agreed to go to lamas and be in the birthing room. To my surprise she said, "Well that's great. I can't wait to meet your kid." At that point I was lost. I expected the worst, but got nothing less than full support from this woman. I informed her that I was having a Daughter  to which she replied, "Even better! I'm going to spoil the shit out of that kid and you can be there to deal with the mess. LOL" She literally laughed out loud while she said that.

 We finished The evening eating Filet and Crab legs, then dancing and cocktails. She came back to my place where we just talked all night. We talked about my life and my fears of being a Father. Most importantly, the history with my Dad which made me scared in the first place. We talked about her life and how she ended up being a 29 year old police officer who never married. We talked about my unborn child that I would be having with another woman. We talked about everything, and it was like nothing I had ever experienced. It was complete transparency without judgement. She wasn't judged and neither was I. My soul mate was found and I couldn't have been happier.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

What a fucking game!!!!!! (Our Life-Part I)

 What a game. It was Sox home opener and we kicked the shit out of KC, 12-5. If I remember correctly it was a Tuesday and Larry and I carried on our annual tradition of attending the Sox home opener. After the game, we went to Bourbon St. We were sitting there drinking beers and shots while watching baseball highlights. Larry excused himself. I sat there watching ESPN. When he got back he said, "Hey JOB, let's go over here. I used to date one of these girls". We went over to a table with 3 girls. Larry sat down next to some broad named Cary who he used to date. I guess  I had a choice between the other two. Just so happens that I sat next to the Blonde. Not that I prefer blondes, but she was facing the TV's.

 After Sportcenter I was done and ready to party. The blonde woman's name was Megan and we conversed about the most mundane shit. She worked for the local county's Sheriff's department. She was from the same neighborhood I used to live in. Even though she was "Bicycle Irish" and half Dago, we hit it off immediately.

 At this point, I was "Playing the field". I was the proverbial whore. Fucking anything that moved. When I walked into a room, fish stopped swimming. One of the whores was ready to give birth to my first child "optimal conditions, I know". And although I was ready to be a child's Father. I was not ready to be a woman's Husband. Kind of fucked up, don't you think? But cut me some slack. I was monogamous when my retarded friends were going to college. So now was the time for me to live it up.

 But there was something different about that night. I talked to Megan for hours while Larry was lip-locked with Cary. I connected with a woman like I had never connected before. She has big breasts. But I can honestly say to everyone that she has greenish blue eyes. The point? I've never before looked at a woman as more than my personal amusement. But with Megan I was captivated by every syllable.

I offered her a ride home which she obliged. But when we got to her apartment it wasn't the usual. There was no pussy/ass licking, or cock sucking. But there was something. There was the two of us at her home at 5:00 AM talking and sharing. I called in sick that morning. Megan and I stayed up until probably 10:00 AM. Just getting to know each other. And in my opinion. She was as lost as I was. For her own reason.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

What now????? (Her Life-Part I)

WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Explicit SEXUAL language

 I'm Pregnant. What do you think?

 After my divorce was finalized, it was time to catch up on lost youth. Sort of funny considering I was barely twenty six years old but I had to make up for lost time. Lost time meaning a lot of drinking, a lot of smoking, and a lot of fucking. After the initial shock and depression of divorce wore off I was off and running. I had youth, a great job, and nothing but time. I smoked a lot of dope. I drank a lot of beer. And I fucked a lot of whores. Although looking back on it, it would be unfair to call any of them whores, because I was in fact the whore. But this lovely story starts at a friend's wedding in early '03. Holy shit! Did I get wasted. I remember going out to the car with a bridesmaid and smoking some weed. She was kind enough to give me a blowjob in the parking lot. Good times, right? 

 We went back into the wedding an continued our collective good times. I should mention at this time, that even though I was a whore and a pig, I was honest with all the women I whored with. I let everyone know off the bat that I was not interested in a long term girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. With that said, I was at the table bullshitting with some buddies. I was stoned out of my mind and drunk as hell. I may have even indulged in some blow (cocaine). Who could remember with all the debauchery. And then she walked over and sat down. Just another whore in my eyes, but she was beautiful. She was also my friend's cousin. We both ended up walking back to my hotel room after the post wedding party. I remember that one famous line. "You can't wear a condom. I'm allergic to latex". Whoo hoo I thought.

 The next morning when I awoke, I was shocked for two reasons. First, this broad was ugly. Second, how the fuck did I allow myself to not wear a rubber? I showered, got dressed, and prepared to leave when she asked, "So when will we see each other again?" "UHHHH, did I say we would?" "No", she replied. I explained to her that what ever happened, happened, but I was not looking for a monogamous relationship. To my amazement, she replied,"That's fine. I was leaning more towards friends with benefits." So from that point on, I would call her every once in awhile. We would get together and fuck. Looking back, I must have been drunk and stoned, because she really wasn't attractive. This carried on for about five months, when suddenly I received a call from this woman asking if I would like to go to dinner. At first I declined, but she persisted. So I eventually agreed. At Dinner, she dropped the bomb that she was pregnant. I was shocked. Not because I impregnated a woman, But because this woman told me that it was okay that I didn't wear a condom because she had ovarian cancer as a teenager and pregnancy was an impossibility. Not to mention her severe allergies to latex. Of course, I brought this up. I was told that it was some freak miracle of God, at which point I replied, "I don't believe in God". So she asked me,"Would you like me to get an abortion?" I replied, "Absolutely not! I just need a day or two to process this."

 But I really didn't. At the very moment I received this information, I knew I was ready for this. I was ready to be a Father. I was ready to share all the knowledge that I lived a quarter century to gain. I was ready to share my heart, my love. But most importantly, I was ready to experience true love. The only problem was that I was not ready to share this experience with this woman. Looking back on it, I knew this bitch was crazy, but I spent days trying to figure out the best case for my child. I contemplated life with her and life without her. I was very conflicted. What would be best for a child born into this situation? The Mother and the Father being consenting adults, who acted as care free whores. After three days, I called this woman so that we can have Dinner. You told me, "I'm Pregnant. What do you think?" I said, "It's too bad that this kid will not be born under ideal conditions, but I will never be in a relationship with you. However, I am ready to be a Father, and look forward to being in my kid's life."

 "Perfect", she replied. "I'm nowhere ready to be married or anything, but I am looking forward to being a Mom". From the very beginning, I had my doubts. But I was not ready to go through what my parents went through. I wasn't prepared to be 50 years old and hating the fact that I was married. I lived and experienced how devastating it can be for a child to live with two people who stayed together for "The Kids". The problem was that from  the very beginning, I doubted this woman's sincerity. But I was excited none the less. I was excited to be in the life of a child that I created. I was excited to pass on the little knowledge that I had. But most importantly, I was excited at the fact that I helped bring a human life into this world. And that we would share all the experiences that a Father and child experience. 

 In the end, out of all the things that occurred in my life at this point, this was the most fulfilling. The only problem was that I didn't know what to expect from this woman. I had my fingers crossed that it would be painless and loving. But because of my opinion on this woman and her deception, I feared the worst. But I could never imagine how these future events would transpire.