Sunday, August 25, 2013

It's called a cock kid, you'll love it.... (My Life-Part VIII)

 By the time my relationship with Dad was gone, I had a full time job and a part time job. I registered for Senior year of High School. I had my own apartment and shit was going pretty good. I was surviving, and what more could you ask from a seventeen year old entering his Senior year of High School. A dude got hired at my part time job. His name was Greag Bedner. We kind of hit it off since we both loved busting balls. He was six years older than me, but we got along great. And through him, and my own future experiences, I would come as close as a kid could come to sexual molestation, without ever being touched.

 We  hung out all the time. Due to weird family things going on with my own siblings, and the fact that Mom had passed, his Mom and Sister became like a surrogate family. His Mom became, simply, Ma Bedner. We spent the next five years forming a bond, I never had before. I had heard his sister Dana bring up their Dad James before, but never cared enough to ask. I just figured he was a jag off like my old man. One day we were drinking at my pad, and I decided to inquire. My life would be changed forever.

 "What happened to your Dad Greag?" We chatted back and forth for awhile but something didn't seem right. All of the sudden, he came clean. He told me in detail about what his Father did to him. He told me how he had swallowed his Father's sperm because it was a magic potion. Masturbation. Anal sex. As it turns out, this Motherfucker did things to my best friend that I had never heard of. But my friend never forgot. Since the day I met him, he was always into the harder drugs, and I didn't understand why. Opium and Cocaine. That was his escape. I always thought it was retarded. Looking back on it, who am I, or any of you to judge. I thought my Father was a prick. This dude's Dad did things to him that I never heard of.

 He was my best friend. my BEST FRIEND. He was my best man at my first wedding. He was Keira's God Father. The only time I ever saw him cry, was when I asked him to be her God Father. You would have thought that his own daughter had been born. Greag died on October 31st 2004. Heart failure due to a drug overdose. I will never forget the phone call I got from Ma. As I lay my head back on my couch cushion with tears pouring. I can't help but think there had to have been more I could do. Ma didn't know the extent of what happened. What if she did? Greag forced me to not say a thing. He was deathly afraid it would kill Ma. But in the end, it killed him. Which in turn, created a shell of who Ma used to be. This was the first time I had ever been introduced to pedophilia. It killed my friend, and I can't help but think that I could have saved him.

The truth is, due to Greag and Keira's birth, I finally started realizing how devastating molestation was to a child. I tried to be there for him but I could never help him overcome his demons. I will always regret that..

God, my eyes were open casket smile
You were never liked at all, and I'm fucking glad you're gone
You would rip off, a pervert jack off, big talk-no show
Broken back bone

You never looked better, dead and gone
I never felt better, you're dead and gone and...
I wish I would have done, what nature finished first
I'd done it with my hand, then left and shot myself

You never looked better, dead and gone
I never felt better, you're dead and gone and no more bother
I never lose sleep, I don't regret a thing
Believe me when I say, I'm fucking glad it's over

The praising of a higher hate
Don't doubt a fucking word

The darkest month, the darkest month is here
When you can't move so freely
Chill out, detox, rehab, clean out

I can't watch, I can't bear it
I just want to hang myself
Chill out, detox, rehab, clean out

I committed a felony, I never had much trouble before
First time offender

But I got put through the ringer
And my bank account shrunk a lot
They set an example, however
There's not a chance, no way through me

You've never forgiven, exploited in dirt, it bothers you, it tortures you
One more plight, left in life, shoot me dead, in the head
Catch me if you can...

Never touch me, never come near me
You're a punk, a bunch of words, not one percent
You're found out...if you were me, you'd be in luck
But you're not, so you suck

Show me a dollar, I'll show you no heart
Show me a heart, and I'll show you my eyes

Wrong inside

Given the inch, crippled a mile, the pull of the dragon, the pull of the drug
I can't see what the big fucking deal is?!
No repentance, no respect, blown up eyes, blown up skies!
I can't see what the big fucking deal is?!
And I cannot wait till the love is a fuck...

Back to the world, the tourniquet knot is slipping apart
Bones left to pick, they radiate and splinter away

Greag's Father disappeared sixteen months after Greag's burial. It was a somber news event. Who really gives a shit about an unemployed pedophile anyway. I would like to think, that in his death, he experienced as much pain, as he delivered in his life.
His body was never found and newscasts feared the worst had happened. The worst? if you say so...

Sleep good my friend. I hope death brought you the peace that life could not. I love you.