Friday, December 19, 2014

I Will Let You Down......I Will Make You Hurt.............(Our Life-Part III)

 Christmas had drawn near, and I was accused of sexually abusing my child.. Actions that had destroyed some friend's lives had been thrown in my direction as if it were spitting gum on a sidewalk. It was early December '04, and My Princess was five months old. But I had not seen her in four weeks because  I was accused of sexual abuse, I had to forfeit the very little visitation that I had at this point. It tore me apart. It absolutely tore me apart. This event took me to places I had never been, and would never want anyone to go.

 The pain of having a child out there that you can not be part of is beyond words. It is something I had never experienced before. To love someone that you love more than yourself, but not being able to see her, not being able to hold her, not being able to bond...That is where we were at.

 At times I had no idea what to do. I fell into something that I believe went beyond depression. It was almost a comatosed state. The depression takes  ahold of you and transforms you into a zombie state. I got fired from my job, because I would stay up until four in the morning drinking whiskey just to numb the pain....In the end it didn't matter, because I had heartbreak to forget.

 By the first week of December, I was full blown depressed, suicidal, homicidal. Megan would leave for work, and I was left with my own thoughts, to my own devices......I would always think, what if I just ended myself? What if I just put the barrel in my mouth and pointed upwards towards the stem? I would sit at the table, drinking whiskey, smoking weed, and cleaning the .45. I stared at that firearm like it was an angel looking down upon me. I would hold that gun hearing my attorney's voice asking, "Have you ever touched your Daughter in an inappropriate way"?  The pain in my head and heart was almost unbearable. It seemed like Keira had become something I could never have.....................

 I remember thinking, what was better? Killing the Mother in a way that would deem me psychotic and release me from prison within a few years, or taking out her entire family, so that the craziness ended and she could live in peace. In the end. the abuse report was deemed unfounded. I was able to hold my Daughter once again. But the damage was done. The seed of hate was planted........